I knew that coming back to my weight loss journey would be hard after taking basically all of December off. And before I even started I knew that this would be the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do. I’m changing years of not just bad habits but also negative thinking patterns. I need to readjust a lot about how I think of myself, how I talk to myself, how I take care of myself – and consequently all of those things but from other people (more on that later).

I’ve slogged through this first month and a half, and I mean that exactly how it sounds. I haven’t been exceptionally motivated and even as I made choices I knew weren’t awesome I just didn’t care. And I couldn’t figure out why (I have a few theories that basically amount to “white girl problems”).

But after I confessed to my bad eating decisions here I had one of the most awful workouts of my life. I couldn’t do any of the stuff I thought I should have been able to do. Then I turned in my food journal to my trainer who proceeded to give me the most incredible “come to Jesus” talk.

Yes, I cried.

But only a little.

And sadly I can’t remember everything he said (other than, “don’t you dare cry” and something about how big my goals were which was a really effective statement (the big goals, not the “don’t cry” cause obviously I ignored that part)) but I do remember his summary:

Get your shit together.

To be clear, Jason never talks to me that way. He’s relatively laid back and is always respectful even though we joke around a lot.  He will call me out when I deserve it but he usually doesn’t swear at me (conversationally from time to time, yes). Which is why it worked.

I wanted to walk out of the gym and never come back. I wanted to go home and cry myself to sleep and hide for the rest of the weekend. I didn’t do either thing – I finished my workout (which was then the second worst workout of my life because I was once again feeling weak and unable to do as well as I thought I should), I forced myself not to cry very much because I didn’t want to have anyone ask my why I was crying, and I went out for dinner with Chelsea as planned.

Only I didn’t devour my meal like I normally would have. I saved half of my dinner to eat for lunch the next day. I took one small step toward getting back on track.

The next day I took another step. I went back to the gym. My workout didn’t suck.

And every week I kept taking those steps. Every day I made at least one good decision. I’m told that these things add up.

I’m not going to say that I’ve turned everything around or that I’ll never have trouble again, but at least for now my motivation is back. I’ve spent some time thinking about what I want and why I want it (more on that later too). I’m refocused, rededicated, and reenergized.

This is my year. And I’m not going to back down.

Have you ever had anyone say something to you that helped you get refocused? What keeps you working toward your goals?

Today is the day you’ve all been waiting for!

Not really – sorry to get your hopes up. I’m not sure what you’re waiting for, to be honest, but I’m sure it’s awesome.

I’m taking a break from my usual format today because I have lots of pictures for you. First of all, I did a craft project last week:

A few things – The words are not as legible in real life as they are in the pictures. Also, I turn the vases around to face the wall so they look more decorative than this.  There’s a ratio of rocks per pound (different for each size, obviously) so don’t get too freaked out by the number of beads in that “pounds to go” vase!

The small version is for me to take to work so I have the reminder there for those long afternoons when I get bored and decide I need chocolate – that’s also why there aren’t any rocks in the “pounds lost” vase because I’m going to dump them all out to transport them to my office.

But now…

So that’s exciting.

The other exciting thing is that today is my final weigh in for the contest at my gym – so if you want to know how many pounds I’ve lost in the last 6 weeks you’ll have to wait until tonight – I’ll tweet it after my weigh in. I’m nervous to see the results.

How’s your week going so far? Anything you’re looking forward to this week?

Being on a serious weight loss journey is a really interesting thing. On some level I thought I would just start eating “better” – whatever that means- and then step back and watch the pounds fall away. I never guessed it would mean this whirlwind of emotions and facing inner demons and so forth.

Silly me.

I’m trying to process the emotional side of this journey just as much as I process the attempts at eating “better” and figuring out how to workout. Naturally, I want to bring my experiences here.

If you know anything about me it’s that I don’t always treat myself with the respect I deserve. I am impossibly hard on myself -expecting the world, demanding perfection, and putting myself through an emotional battery when I fall short of my astronomical standards.

I wish I knew where that came from, but I’m learning to let it go. It’s a process, one that takes daily decisions to let go of perceived failures and treat myself kindly.

Another lesson I’m sadly STILL learning the hard way is that when you don’t always respect yourself, other people don’t always respect you either.

For as long as I can remember there have been people in my life who haven’t treated me well. Some of them have moved on, others haven’t.

Before I found enough strength to start blogging about my weight loss journey, I would talk about it with friends. Most have been overwhelmingly supportive – but not everyone. I’m really sad to have to say that I let the few negative voices speak louder than the positive ones. I didn’t consciously decide to dismiss the supportive, loving things I’ve heard from so many of you – it just kind of happened. When I let the voices echo around my head, I don’t hear your uplifting words. Instead, I let the people who don’t have my best interests at heart weigh in. I let them speak on repeat.

But I can’t live my life like that. No one should. It’s time to silence the negative voices and take whatever scary steps I need to without regard for “what if.” I’m not saying I will dismiss the valid concerns of people who are genuinely concerned for my happiness and well-being, but I won’t let people tell me they think I “can’t” when I know in my heart that I can.

I owe it to myself to let you all speak up and encourage me. I need to surround myself with people who love and support me. That’s all there is to it.