This is The Year

That everything changes.

 

My weigh-in last night went pretty much exactly how I thought it would. I’m basically starting over.

Yes, you read that right. After about two weeks of eating everything I wanted I’m one pound away from where I started (minus whatever I’m holding onto cause of PMS). Which is pretty scary, right?

I don’t want to say that I undid all of my hard work because I’m pretty sure when I take my progress pictures tomorrow you’ll still be able to see a difference – it’s not like I’ve lost all of my muscle. But I do know that I won’t be as happy with what I see as I have been in the past.

 

Still, I’m optimistic about the next 6 weeks (well, and the rest of this year). Yes, it’s going to be hard work and it’s not going to be tons of fun and I’m going to be frustrated and emotional and my body will hurt and I will get cranky and I will want to quit.  But in the end, this is what I want more than anything else. And that makes it worth it.

So here’s my big goal: I’m going to reach my goal weight in 2012.

I’m done with the euphemisms, done with tiptoeing around the subject, done with saying I’m going to focus on other things and hoping that weight loss will be the end result – from reading other blogs and talking to friends I’ve been operating under this false guise of “if you say you want to lose weight you’re setting yourself up to fail.” I’ve heard hundreds of reasons why, the most compelling being “framing your goals in the negative (i.e. “weight loss” wherein loss is generally accepted as being frightening and/or difficult to cope with) will cause you to unconsciously shy away from achieving them.” The least compelling being “um, that’s hard.”

So I’ve said “health enhancement” or “I’m going to drink more water” or “I want to sleep better” and tried to let those things be enough. But lately I’m sleeping fine – so what’s my new excuse?

The other reason I’ve never said that before is that I’m still afraid of failing. I want it so bad, but it’s hard to admit you want something like that to so many people. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do it and then I won’t just fail myself, I’ll be embarrassed in front of everyone who reads this blog. My close friends (and even a family member) have seen me try and fail in the past – so many times that some of them have suggested I can’t do it. And I can’t tell you how bad that hurts, just that I can’t shake those comments no matter how hard I try. So telling anyone that this is my year is pretty damn terrifying.

But there is one thing I learned in 2011 and that’s that accountability works for me. When I have someone to check in with, I do it. When I know someone is counting on me and paying attention, I’m there. And so here I am, broadcasting this goal for everyone to see.

I feel like the reason I goofed off over the holiday is also the reason so many New Years resolutions fail: You have a whole year ahead of you. Even in October when I was still working hard and fully committed I was thinking to myself “next year I’ll really do this.” So in December when I knew a fresh start, a clean slate was ahead of me – it was like a last supper. Only it lasted a few weeks.

 

But with a whole year ahead of me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish. I know exactly what I want, and while I don’t know yet exactly what it will take to get there or what I’m really capable of, I do know that I’ll figure it out – one day, one step at a time.

 

 

What’s your big goal for 2012? Is there anything you’ve been holding back on or been afraid to admit?