Author’s Note: This is a very personal part of my journey. It is part of an important time in my life and I ask that you respect that this part of my story is deeply personal. You may be interested to read some other related posts: One Year; Six Months
I have tried to write a post for today about 100 times. There’s something I want to discuss but I don’t know how to approach the subject safely. Which is how I realized it was perfect for the “Things I’m Afraid to Tell You” meme that’s been circulating – that I rolled my eyes at initially but now really appreciate.
So here goes.
I’m not a Mormon anymore.
I’m sorry if you’re immediately confused. I feel like people fall into a few different groups on this subject – either you had no idea I was ever Mormon, you knew but suspected I was wandering, or you knew and knew I was struggling and hoped I’d get my you-know-what together. Or maybe this is the first time you’ve been to my blog, in which case you might want to go visit a less troublesome post like this one with babies and puppies.
Three years ago I was in New York City and through a series of events I found and fell in love with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I was seriously devoted for the first year – and it was harder than anything I’d ever done before. The second year was much better and I really felt like I was in a good place. But in my third year I realized that while I really wanted to be a member, it was time to make a decision about what I really needed.
So for the past year I’ve been in transition. I’ve prayed and questioned and “experimented” (such an awkward way to put it). I’ve had long conversations with people I love and trust – some are members, some are not. I was careful to balance everything I did because I didn’t want to be swayed the wrong way just because I was careless in my research. I read my scriptures, I read through General Conference talks, I read books. I tried to take as much of myself out of the equation as I could and focus on the one that really mattered: what did the Lord want for me?
After searching, I’ve realized that though The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints proclaims that they are the one true church and they are the only way, I just don’t accept or believe that. And though it was a good fit for me three years ago, that isn’t the case anymore.
I’m sure this post leaves more questions than it does answers. I don’t have all the answers and I haven’t said anything before this because I thought before I could admit this I needed to know everything. I needed to be able to come up with a solution for everything anyone might throw at me. But maybe that’s the other thing I’m afraid to tell you – I don’t know it all. I can’t predict the future and I can’t promise this is a permanent break. But I also can’t promise it isn’t permanent. I just don’t know everything.
But here’s what I do know: I’ve never felt as close to the Lord as I do right now. I’ve started going to a different church and I’m actually looking forward to church every week again. I will always cherish the things I learned as a Mormon and I have not turned my back on all of the teachings of the Church – I just don’t accept all of them. Right now my spiritual journey has taken me in a different direction and that’s okay. I’m excited and happy. Church feels safe again, like coming home, and that’s what it’s all about. I hope that all of my friends and family (members and non members) will continue to love and support me no matter where I spend my Sundays.
As always, I welcome your comments and questions, but please try to be gentle with me.