At the beginning of this year I set one goal for myself. I refer to it as “The Ultimate Grand Supreme Goal” (because I have a not very secret love of Toddlers and Tiaras – it’s fine) and that goal was to reach 170 pounds (ish) this year. But we’re over halfway through the year and I have to face the yucky fact that unless I acquire an intestinal parasite between now and 11:59 on December 31 I will not be making it to 170 this year.
On one hand I’m disappointed because I am really tired of this. No one wants to feel like they’re stuck in one place and keep thinking “if only I had ___ things would be different now.”
But on the other, I’m over it.
When I’m in the mood for bad TV I glue myself to those horrifying weight-loss specials featuring morbidly obese people. I don’t mean the uplifting ones, I mean the ones where the weight loss is secondary to the drama in their lives. They’re not entirely without merit though and I remember hearing a quote on one of them that just struck me.
“Every pound on my body was an emotion I needed to face.”
I can’t help but feel the same way right now and it reminds me of why I started this out by saying I was “getting healthy” instead of just saying what I meant which was “losing weight.” In addition the weight loss I desperately need there have been some other issues I needed to fix – from my need to make everyone happy and my inability to say no to my constant need to “keep busy” and my still ongoing urge to fix everyone else’s life.
Like everything else in life, these things didn’t happen overnight. I was conditioned into certain behaviors – not sticking up for myself, putting myself down to make others feel better – by the people around me. Other things I brought on myself.
And the struggle to drop those bad habits is ongoing. Sometimes when you start to fix a problem it gets worse before it will get better. This is particularly true with relationships and I’m trying very hard to keep that in mind but it’s sometimes a lot more than I can handle. But for the most part I can tell that I’ve made incredible progress on these emotional issues and I am happier now than I think I ever have been.
Which is part of why I’m so calm even though I know I won’t reach Ultimate Grand Supreme this year. When I step back and look at the whole picture I can see that’s not what I really wanted – I never wanted to reach my goal weight and still be miserable and unhappy with my life. Yes, sometimes I am guilty of thinking to myself “if I were skinnier my whole life would be better” – but that’s just a lie. Maybe I could have reached the end of this journey by now, but I might be just as miserable as I was when I started.
Now my goal is different. My ideas about what I want have changed. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not quitting or backing down or anything like that. If anything, I’m ready to step things up and hit it hard again. I want to attack this with more fury and more determination than I ever have. Because with all of those other things under control, I’m ready.
Because maybe I can’t have Ultimate Grand Supreme this year but that doesn’t mean I can’t still take Grand Supreme. I have 5 months to work my ass off and fight like I never have before. That’s 5 months to remember what is most important to me. It’s not a lot of time – but it’s definitely enough time. I can get under 200 pounds by the end of this year – and then all bets are off.
When I think about “After” I say I want to weigh 170. But that’s an arbitrary number I picked from the range of what makes me “healthy” according to doctor’s charts and BMI scales. My real “after” could be anywhere within that range and it may take me a while to figure it out. So while setting a timeline is helpful and focus-driving, it’s not necessarily realistic when it comes to the end game. But up until then keep the clock (and the pressure) running.This is my “stern” face.
I don’t know how most of you are feeling about your own goals for this year, but here’s what I have to say: If you’ve been out there kicking ass, don’t you dare stop. There’s no slaughter rule in real life because life isn’t fair. But maybe the first half of this year didn’t go as planned. Shake it off. Quit crying. It’s time to rally. Take the second half and fucking own it. You either turn this around or you go home – and I just sold your house.That’s about as close to a game face as I get
And come December 31st it will not matter what the scale says or what’s still on your to-do list. We will put on our party dresses and some glitter and we will kiss our friends at midnight and we will drink “to no regrets” like we always do. And then we will keep being awesome and keep getting after it because that’s how we roll.
Who’s with me?