Last night I had one of those moments where I had to step back and ask myself, “is this really my life? How did I get here?”
When you think about your life and your future you picture certain things happening – big milestones, probably – and you imagine that you’ll just feel full to the bursting point when those things all come together. I mean that quiet moment when your breath catches in your throat and you realize you’re getting exactly what you wanted.
What you don’t picture so often are those moments that catch you by surprise. Like last night when I was curled up on my couch, writing my little heart out, my two pups curled up at my side and I was totally blissed out happy. I had to stop and ask myself, “seriously, Kate? This is what makes your heart sing like this?”
It wasn’t what I wanted when I pictured my dream life, and when I think about it now it sounds kind of awful. Being 27 years old, single, sitting alone in my parents basement (I call it my apartment, but a tiger can’t hide its stripes), wrapped up in a fictional world instead of the real one and not being out living the life I want to live because I can’t figure out how to make all the pieces fit together without losing my mind just isn’t what I want for myself. I’m definitely a dreamer but I’m also a do-er. I’m used to just getting up and going after what I want instead of sitting around and wishing things were different. For the past few years I’ve felt like I’m in a holding pattern, just waiting for life to really begin. I’m ready to get out there and take what I want and feeling like I’m trapped by my circumstances and can’t move forward no matter how much I want to and feel ready is a really hard thing to swallow.
But after everything I’ve been through in life this far I still believe that everything happens for a reason. And as often as there are moments when I completely break down because I can’t believe how far I am from where I really want to be, I cannot deny that there are still moments like the one I had last night where I feel like I’m at the top of the world and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
And it’s those little moments that keep me together when everything falls apart. Lately things seem to be falling apart more often. What goes up must always come down (last night it was almost an immediate crash). But I’m just gonna hold on tight to those unexpected gifts – those instances where I am just blown away by how awesome things are – and remember that bigger and brighter things are on the horizon. Someday I’ll get the chance to go after them and I may never think the pain of having to wait was worth it but at least I know I won’t ever take them for granted.