There’s an old adage that you always know something is up when a blogger goes silent. Did I wander off and find something shinier to hold my attention? Or is it maybe something a little less sparkly and not as awesome?
The truth is things haven’t been very shiny or sparkly here for a little while. I’ve gotten a bit lost in the basics, giving most of my energy to someone who needs it much more than me. The weight on my shoulders feels literal and I have the backache to prove it.
If you asked me what was going on, the truth would be that I don’t know. No one does – which is the problem.
Here’s the thing: I’ve already written this blog post. A post that describes exactly how I feel right now. And I don’t mean I scheduled it in advance. I mean there’s a post I wrote almost 5 years ago that is just as fitting today as I was that Monday in December. Except that I no longer text and drive so just disregard that part of the story:
I can admit that I routinely text and drive. As many people who engage in this sport might like to claim, I like to justify my behavior by saying that I just happen to be really good at texting while driving – it’s a learned skill, that ability to multi-task. Or so I tell myself so I don’t feel so bad about what I’m doing.
Because really, I do take my eyes off the road and I do sometimes have to slam on my brakes to keep from hitting the person in front of me who – out of nowhere – is randomly stopped. I’m used to that level of ridiculousness in my driving and have even found that when I’m only focused on the road I actually am not as vigilant. I often am distracted by my thoughts or the music or any number of other things.
My point is just this – when I’m driving, I don’t pay that much attention to the road. Sometimes things come up. I know I’m not alone in this – we’ve all had that moment when we’re driving and then it’s like, “oh, where did that bump/dip/curve/hill/etc. come from?”
Right now is one more of those times in my life. There I was, cruising over my speed limit, trying to do too many things at once, and now suddenly I’ve been forced to slam on my breaks. And I mean, we are at a complete stop.
There are times when I get overwhelmed and stressed out and I force myself to take baby steps. I focus on one thing at a time. Step by step I work through it until I can start sprinting again.
Right now? I’m not even walking. I am waiting. I am sitting in uncomfortable chairs, waiting.
I hate to write a post like this and bring you all to the point where you’re really wanting to know what’s going on and then tell you I can’t tell you – but until I know everyone who needs to know first knows what’s going on, that’s all I have for you. Just know that something has happened to bring me to a complete standstill from my usual sprinting pace and I am feeling just like anyone would in the same situation – like I hit a brick wall. I’m anxious, confused, scared, worried, and totally exhausted. I’m very much hoping that all of those emotions are a waste, but it’s too soon to tell. As soon as I know, you’ll know.
In the meantime, why not pull up an uncomfortable chair and wait with me? Bonus points if you can fall asleep in it.